Instead of Reacting, Stand Up for Your Needs During the Divorce

Every time we react to someone or something, we can often spend a lot of negative energy arguing, defending, explaining, or convincing. Instead, wouldn’t it be much more satisfying to put that energy into advocating for ourselves and our own needs? Certainly, when you are going through a divorce or facing any family law issue, it is much more productive and rewarding to focus your energy on rebuilding positive family connections and meeting your own needs rather than reacting negatively to your spouse, attorney, or legal authority. system. The former empowers you while the latter makes you a victim.

Some suggestions for defending yourself during the divorce process or when facing a family law issue:

1. It is important to remember that when we focus on another person’s perceived shortcomings, we are likely neglecting ourselves. If you notice that you have a strong negative reaction to someone or something, you may wonder what you have been avoiding or not facing in your own life. For example, you may not have spoken to your mother in years after an explosive argument and fight. You also often find yourself blowing up on your kids, your ex, or anyone or anything around you. Sure, you can justify your outbursts, but why not explore the unexpressed anger towards your mother by keeping silent all these years? This is just an example. The point is that you could try to identify any areas of your life that you have been perpetually avoiding or putting off. This will put the focus on yourself and your own needs, which in turn will likely reduce the need to focus on someone else’s perceived shortcomings.

2. Identify specific actions you can take to defend yourself. For example, in the example above, you could write a letter to your mother fully expressing your feelings. You will most likely find that your frequent outbursts with those around you just go away. After you’ve identified the areas you’ve been avoiding, you can try to make a list of specific, concrete actions you can take to deal with the area manager in a positive and productive way.

3. Communicate your feelings and needs in a productive (rather than destructive) way that produces positive results. For example, perhaps your parents or ex-in-laws are driving you crazy by constantly telling you how to raise your children. Instead of reacting by defending or arguing with them, you can defend yourself by calmly and assertively telling them that you appreciate their concern as grandparents to your children and trust that you have a parenting style that is always in the best interests of your children.

Specifically, in divorce negotiations, the goal is generally to reach an overall agreement with terms that are beneficial to both parties. Therefore, early in the negotiations, it is important that both you and your spouse (along with your attorneys) identify specific values ​​and goals. This will reduce the chance that both energy and money will be spent reacting to each party’s behavior, which can unfortunately keep you polarized and disconnected from advocating for yourself.