When a friend’s partner dies: how to help

beyond the basics

Most of us know and can navigate the protocols of honoring a loss. We go to the funeral or celebration of life. We send flowers or contribute to a charity. We send cards and notes. We make a shiva call. We bring food. And then we go home and go back to our own lives. We may not think about our friend’s situation while our own lives surround us. Or we may respond in any way we deem appropriate. I recently had lunch with a friend whose husband had died and discovered how much I didn’t know what she, and perhaps many others, really wanted, so I’m sharing what I learned:

Dos and Don’ts to Consider

• While food is generally welcome during the difficult first few days of grief, pay attention to what your friend really wants or needs. Will there be many visitors to the home? Does your friend have dietary restrictions? Limited storage space? One of the coolest things I’ve seen is people sending gift cards to local restaurants or delivery services.
• Don’t keep offering food forever. There are many other ways to show support.
• Listen. Listen. Listen. Offer friendship or invitations to go out for coffee or a meal. Call to sign up or go for a walk together or find an activity to share.
• Offer invitations to go out for coffee or a meal. Shop together. Go to the movies.
• Help your friend plan the next phase of his life. She had been a caregiver for so many years that she had lost touch with most of his previous activities and really had no idea what he wanted next.
• Help your friend make lists, find services, find new contacts. Help investigate.
• Be patient. Don’t push, but keep suggesting. Some of your suggestions will be perfect, others will fail.
• If it’s an old friendship, remind your friend who they’ve been in the world in the past. It’s easy to forget that he had a different life before he became a caregiver.
• Ask. Listen. Ask.

Each one heals in his own way and each one helps in his own way. That’s one of those clichés that is true. Don’t turn yourself inside out trying to be someone you haven’t been in the relationship with. My automatic reaction was to think of things I could do with my friend. However, when I thought about it a bit, I realized that our relationship hasn’t been like this for the last twenty years and that this wasn’t really what my friend wanted from me. He wanted to augment our regularly scheduled lunches (twice a year) with the opportunity to leverage my coaching skills and get a little advice when he needed it. So, we leave it like that. He knows that he has my ear and my support when he wants it. I know I will check on her a little more often.

What will you do in this situation? What fits? What feels comfortable? What is the best support you can offer?