The fake: an obstacle to the real thing!
Ladies, I’m going to start this article with an admission: I am a shopaholic! Shopping for shoes is one of my favorite hobbies. Later, during one of my shopping excursions, I received the meat of this item. At one of my favorite department stores, I found a simply gorgeous pair of “brand name” brown ankle boots, pointy toe, with a skinny 3 inch heel, which were on sale by the way. To my surprise, sitting on the same shelf was an identical pair of “no brand” brown ankle boots that were priced fifty percent less. I tried them both on, they were both equally attractive and both seemed comfortable. The main difference was that the “name mark” was made of leather and the “no name mark” was all man-made material. In fact, leather was more supple, supple, and soft; however, I chose to purchase the one that would save me the most money.
The next day, I donned my “no brand” boots and headed out for a busy day at work followed by an eventful social evening that required me to be on my feet for several hours. In the middle of the day, I began to regret my decision to buy the “non-brand” shoes. My feet started to hurt so much! The longer he stood, the tighter this man-made material began to feel. I began to remember how soft and supple “brand name” shoes felt on my feet and began to think about one of the characteristics of leather. Leather generally softens as you wear it, rather than harden. Oh how, I really wished I had spent the extra bucks to buy the name brand shoes because it was costing me more in the long run in other areas. What looked good, and felt good at first, was now causing me great pain. I had to face the revelation that I had settled for the fake.
I decided to go back and buy the “name brand” shoes, but you guessed it: they were no longer available. Ladies, how many of us have “missed opportunities” to experience the real thing because we settled for the fake?
During one of my conversations, with my spiritual mother, Eloise Rump, about my desire for companionship, she said, “Baby, watch out! Fakes always come before the real thing!” I chuckled to myself and said, “Well, I’m actually going to have something real soon because I’ve had several faked encounters. Little did I know that the ‘ultimate fake’ experience was right around the corner!
Ladies, have you ever met the man you thought was your “soul mate”? He had all the features on your “romantic wish list.” You know that “must have” checklist we mentally pull out when we meet a man! The first and foremost requirement on my “wish list” is spirituality: you must have a relationship with God. Well, this man “quoted scripture” and spoke lovingly about the Lord. Ladies, he enlightened me that mother quoting scripture is not an infallible indication that a person has a “personal” relationship with God; the true indication is if that person lives/stays in what he talks about.” Call me Missouri, show me, as well as tell me!
My second requirement is that you have to have a pretty decent job. Well, he had an exceptionally high six-figure salary, so he exceeded that requirement. He certainly had the finer personal possessions: a nice house, a fancy car, and other nice amenities as well. Although I love pretty things, this requirement is not at the top of my list. However, at this point in my life, financial security is important to me, and apparently he fits that bill.
Of course, my third requirement is that I preferred him handsome. I feel that I am an attractive sister, so I want someone to compliment me. I know it sounds conceited, but admit, ladies, most of us dream of having a Denzel Washington or a Shemar Moore in our lives. Remember, this is my “wish list”! Ladies, I must tell you, this man is fine, fine, fine! To me, he has facial attributes comparable to Denzel Washington but a darker undertone and Ving Rhimes physique are both on my “hotties” list! (I’m single, I can dream!)
Last but not least, one of my main attributes is that my potential partner has to be a great conversationalist. I love good conversation. It excites me when a man can articulate his feelings with me! I love a man who is confident and sure of himself. I love a man who is wise and implants pearls of wisdom that enrich my life. Well ladies, this man stimulated me intellectually with his extensive knowledge of national, international and cultural affairs. OMG he looked perfect, just like my brand of “no name” boots. But as time went by, I realized that what appeared to be “perfect” was actually a fake.
The first revelation was that although this man seemed bold and confident, and like he was completely in charge of his life, he was carrying the baggage of his past. A man who has not forgiven, forgotten or renounced his past will not free himself to start something new. He has not given himself permission to love again without inhibitions, as he loved before that “one” hurt him. In fact, he’s made a promise that no one will ever get so close to him to EVER hurt him again, like she did, so he’s locked in a protective shield. He has what I describe in my first book The Art of Forgiveness-Turtle Mentality. He only rears his head up to a point and then backs off or throws up the red flag of caution when he discovers her affections for him run too deep. His behavior is inconsistent: one day he is loving, kind, smiling and talkative. Yet without warning, you don’t hear from him for days: no calls, no emails, no texts, nothing. Face it ladies, you can’t compete with a ghost. Yes I said ghost! Merriam Webster (online) defines “ghost” as the spirit of a dead person, especially one believed to physically resemble living people or to haunt former habitats. Answers.com defines “ghost” as a memory or image that returns.
What I’m trying to say is when you interact with this person; in reality, there are three people always present: you, him and her (the ghost). Although the relationship seems to be dead, the memories of her are very much alive. This threatening image of her, and the residue of the pain she previously imposed on him, comes back, haunts him, and affects her possible relationships. There may be a look, a word, an action, unknown to you, that can cause him to retreat into that shell because he looks like “her.” An attempt to validate his actions might sound like, “I’m happy with my life the way it is, I don’t have anyone else to answer to but me, and I’m okay with that!” Another explanation, “I went out with ‘my boys’ to shoot some hoops.” My interpretation of these excuses is “I like you and I’m afraid you’ll get too close and hurt me like she did; I can’t let that happen so I’d rather avoid contact with you and spend time with ‘my boys’, or in the case of my fake, he spent time with his son.Both incidents, whether spending time with “the kids” or with a child, is a pushback to safety and doesn’t require risking your feelings.we see pushback as rejection, which sends us on an emotional mental roller coaster because we don’t know what to do with this sudden change in behavior, we search for some kind of flaw in ourselves that may have set it back, not realizing how many unresolved issues it is carrying and not helping has communicated to you, that’s verbally anyway.
In any case, unless you make an attempt to commit to the relationship; there is no REAL relationship; it’s false; and before you know it, it’ll start making you uncomfortable, just like my no-brand shoes. The longer you stay in the situation, the tighter it will become. The tighter it gets; more damage and pain you will feel. But if you wait for the “real thing,” she’ll be soft and supple, easy to beg for, and a joy to be around. There are no relationships without problems; But when you have two committed people who are ready and willing to work together, free of baggage and ghosting, you’ll have a comfortable fit that will last. Ladies, don’t settle for fake. As the latest duos, Marvin Gaye and Tammi Terrell, put it: There’s nothing like the real thing, baby! Wear the right shoes for the trip!