Seven guidelines for talking about sensitive topics with children

Tell the truth

Children need to know the basic facts of life, but they don’t necessarily need to know all the facts right away. It is important to use discretion in what is exposed and said to children. Children do not need to know the whole truth about anything until they are of an age where they are able to understand the complexity of the situation. Many topics are of a nature that parents can continue to develop with additional information. It’s like putting knowledge in an intellectual piggy bank. Knowledge continues to be built and expanded.

For example, the big one that parents know to introduce their young children to is where babies come from. At five years old, children certainly don’t need all the details, but it’s a good idea to introduce the topic of reproduction. Animals can provide logical opportunities. Keeping pets like dogs, cats, and hamsters can help children get used to breeding; in fact, pets will introduce them to the entire life cycle. Later they can transfer this knowledge to people.

Another example is being careful what you say to children and listening when parents get divorced; children need to know that their parents love them and will take care of them. They should not be exposed to a lot of information about adult problems. When parents are very upset, they can lose track of normal limits. Their “truth” is instead self-righteous opinions and judgments coming from a victim mentality that is not appropriate for children to listen to.

If you start early enough, your children will talk about sensitive topics naturally. If you’ve shown that you love them unconditionally, which means if they bring up something sensitive you won’t be blown away, they’ll feel more confident asking you questions. Make sure you have given them permission to ask for information, no matter how sensitive it is. They will be less likely to be ignorant when it comes time to make important decisions. By the way, tell them over and over again that if they ever want to know something, don’t be afraid to ask. Don’t say it just once.

Good values ​​are just as important as good information

It is not enough to give information to children; they also need good values ​​about the importance of using self-control and respect for others. They need to know what your values ​​are while theirs are still being formed. Do you think couples should have babies only when they are married and financially capable of raising their children? Or, are teenage pregnancies acceptable to you? When is a good time to become sexually active? What is bullying? What’s wrong with it? What should your child do if someone is abusing him? Your children need to know your point of view. As he gets older, he’ll decide for himself regardless of what you think, but he’ll have your values ​​to lean on until he’s clear on his own. Of course, it’s a good idea not to prematurely expose them to people with values ​​that aren’t in your child’s best interest. The media, such as news or entertainment, that children are exposed to can desensitize them to grossly inappropriate treatment by others. It is important to explain when children see situations where a person is the victim of violence or other abusive treatment that they are experiencing, that what they saw is not the right way to treat others.

Prepare for transitions

Sometimes there are big changes in families that children need to be prepared for. Unplanned transitions can be scary for children. Examples of the types of transitions children need to be well prepared for are a move to a new home or school, a divorce, a new sibling, a hospital stay, or the pending death of a friend or relative. When possible, involve the child in making plans for the change. This is based on her social/love needs as well as her self-esteem. We all want to feel in charge of our lives no matter how old we are.

If the change is unpredictable and sudden, children need special attention (in situations such as a car accident, disaster such as a house fire, death, or natural calamity such as a hurricane, earthquake, or tornado) . They need a clear explanation of what happened that is age-appropriate, and to be reassured that they are safe and given words of encouragement about how things will get better again. It’s a good idea to return to normal routines as soon as possible, such as mealtime, playtime, and bedtime. There will be less trauma if parents follow this advice. Parents need to continue to address their children’s ongoing fears and increased need to feel safe and secure. Unfortunately, in really difficult times, fearful adults tend to adopt their own childish state and do not pay enough attention to the needs of children.

Conscious parents will notice predictable signs of stress such as shock and confusion, fear, anxiety, and withdrawal. These can take the form of disturbed sleep, increased separation anxiety, regression to an earlier stage, anger, or resentments. During this time it is good for children to express their feelings verbally, or during play activities with dolls, puppets, or pictures. It is important that they express their feelings in a healthy way, not repress them so that they are psychologically sabotaged in the future.

If the stress reaction does not subside in a timely manner, it is a wise investment to take the children to a child psychologist who has experience in helping them solve the problem. It is not unlike taking children to the doctor when symptoms of poor health prevail. The old adage that prevention is better than cure makes a lot of sense here.

Be available

The second guideline is to be available to discuss sensitive issues as they arise. Too many parents are overworked, too stressed, or too busy with their own lives to be available to talk to their children when the need arises.

“Why do people have to die?”

“I will die?”

“Where do pets go when they die?”

“What do you mean when you say ‘I’m a lesbian’?”

“What is an abortion?”

“Why are people so nervous about whether abortions should be legal?”

“What is the Ku Klux Klan?”

“Why is there war?”

“Why can’t people agree and not fight or kill each other?”

“When is drug use abuse?”

“Is Uncle John an alcoholic?”

“Why are Aunt Tilly’s kids in foster care?”

“Why are there homeless people?”

“Where do the homeless live if they don’t have a home?”

“What’s wrong with that man who goes into space and talks to himself?”

These are some of the questions that children can think about as they observe their world. However, there are some topics kids won’t think about, so sometimes it’s up to you to bring up the topic they should know about. If you’re not sure how to answer these questions, start preparing. What you say will have a lasting impact and can keep your child safe.

Bring up the topic if your child doesn’t

What is pedophilia? Incest? Grated? When is it okay for another person to touch your private parts, how and for what purpose? A doctor? A stranger, neighbor or relative? Tell the children that pedophiles are very nice talkers; they are creative. They are rarely the weird-looking type who pulls up by the curb and asks, “Do you want to take a walk?” They can be found where children hang out. They could be coaches, teachers, or members of the clergy, even members of your family, which is really hard for parents to deal with, but it needs to be talked about to make sure your kids are safe. Pedophiles often seem perfectly respectable. They are lovely; and they love children. They can be hardworking, loving and generous. They’re just like the rest of us, except they’re sexually aroused by children and can act on their impulses.

How are you going to protect your children from a pedophile? It’s not enough to tell kids not to talk to strangers or never get in strangers’ cars. A “friend” or family member in the vast majority of child abuse cases is someone the child already knows. Until the pedophile does not behave inappropriately, no one suspects any danger. It is better to continually warn and explain: “No one has the right to touch your private parts unless you say so. Your body belongs to you.”

Help children to be self-determined about their bodies. Now, there are exceptions of course, for example a doctor or a parent. But what if even these people are not behaving responsibly? Teach your child to tell a trusted adult and don’t keep secrets about uncomfortable touching. “If someone, anyone, touches you and it doesn’t feel right, tell me or tell someone else you trust.”

Another topic to discuss with your child is what to do in an emergency, such as a house fire or someone fainting. They can call 911 or the local emergency hotline. Explain that the police help people who are in danger and then show them how to call the police or even the fire department.

Keep what you say appropriate for your child’s age

Young children can only absorb a small amount of information at a time, and some information may need to be repeated multiple times. Knowledge is expansive; will continue to add to what they have already learned. What you say to a boy-crazy 14-year-old about AIDS is very different from what you say to a five-year-old boy hearing the term for the first time. Do not offer more information than a child can absorb.

As children develop, you will need to broaden your knowledge of many sensitive topics. By introducing sensitive topics early on, you won’t feel as uncomfortable adding information to your child later on than if you try to talk about it without introduction.

We are now fortunate to have a large body of children’s literature available to parents where an author has researched the best way to explain sensitive topics to children. The drawings to illustrate the theme have been well thought out and presented. If you want to know more about children’s literature on a particular topic for a certain age range, by all means, search the internet. But one infrequently used expert you can trust is the librarian at your local library. They know how to investigate and find almost anything.

Look for Teachable Moments

A teachable moment is when a child is willing to receive information, such as when there is a situation that needs further explanation. An example of this would be when there is news that several people are talking about, such as a news in the family or in the neighborhood. When a child asks for information, it’s usually a good time to discuss a sensitive topic. There is an endless variety of celebrity news that your child will be exposed to and that will open the door for them to talk about sensitive topics.

Of course, if a child asks where babies come from while you’re in an awkward social situation, like having the boss over for dinner or a wedding, just set aside a time to talk about it when it’s more private. If the child asks at a time when you can’t answer adequately, tell him we’ll talk about it later, and then don’t forget to do it. Two people have to be ready to communicate, not just one. This also applies to times when you are not prepared to respond intelligently. Tell me, let me think about this, I will answer you.

The best techniques to use when talking about sensitive topics is to use receptive listening when your children express their views and feelings, and to use “first person statements” when expressing your own.