Indicators of intimate relationships and harassment
There is a way to predict the future of a relationship. There are many reliable indicators associated with spousal abuse and murder. If a situation has several of these signs, there is cause for concern. These MUST be taken and considered in context, because many people will have some of these traits. Focus on the big picture.
Stalking behavior is often associated with the personality described above.
• Stalking is widespread, almost 1 in 12 women and 1 in 45 men are harassed at least once in their lives.
• Most victims know their harassers and most harassers (87%) are men.
• Nearly 60% of female victims and 30% of male victims are stalked by current or former intimate partners, with the majority of these cases occurring during the relationship.
• According to the National Center for Victims of Crime’s Stalking Resource Center, the average duration of stalking is 1.8 years.
• If the harassment involves an intimate partner, the average duration increases to 2.2 years.
• 28% of female victims and 10% of male victims obtained a protection order; 69% of the female victims and 81% of the male victims violated the order.
• 26% of stalking victims lost time from work and 7% never returned to work.
• The prevalence of insomnia, social dysfunction, anxiety, and severe depression is much higher in victims of bullying than in the general population, especially if the bullying involved tracking or destroying property.
• 76% of the victims of femicide (act of killing a woman) had been harassed by the individual who killed them.
There are 5 Stalker Typologies
1. Rejected bullies are motivated by a desire for reconciliation and/or revenge. His bullying becomes a substitute for the lost relationship. Some get satisfaction from inflicting pain. They often have personality disorders and are among the most persistent and intrusive bullies.
2. Intimacy seekers identify the object of their affection as their true love. Some imagine that the person they are stalking reciprocates those feelings. Many “star stalkers” fall into this category. The indifference of their sought after partner can infuriate them. Many intimacy seekers have serious mental illnesses, such as delusional disorders, and require psychiatric intervention.
3. Incompetent suitors are those whose stalking is based on hope. Their stalking of a particular person is usually short-lived, but these individuals, who often have intellectual limitations and social problems, are unable or unwilling to appreciate negative responses to their approaches, so they may then pursue others.
4. Resentful bullies are often aggrieved workers who feel humiliated or unfairly treated. They can carry out a vendetta against a specific person or choose someone at random to represent those they believe wronged them.
5. Predatory stalkers stalk someone in preparation for physical or sexual assault and enjoy causing sadistic pain. Many have paraphilias (impulse control disorders characterized by intense and recurrent sexual fantasies, urges, and behaviors) and prior convictions for sexual offenses.
stalking behaviors
The creativity displayed by bullies in their campaigns of intimidation and intrusion is remarkable. Stalking behaviors can take any of the following forms:
• Hyperintimacy: the difference between an occasional phone call and dozens a day.
• Surveillance and persecution: driving around the victim’s home, control of the victim’s whereabouts, waiting in places frequented by the victim
• Invasion: violating the privacy of the victim
• Intimidation and harassment: harangue attempts
• Proxy stalking: obtaining the voluntary or involuntary help of others in the stalking process.
• Coercion: threats
• Violence
Stalking is not a one-time event, but rather a pattern of behavior that may involve criminal activity and/or seemingly non-threatening acts. Harassment often includes:
• Assault the victim
• Violate orders of protection
• Sexually assaulting the victim
• Vandalizing the victim’s property
• Burglary of the victim’s home or otherwise robbing the victim
• Threaten the victim
• Kill the victim’s pet.
• Sending cards or gifts
• Leave phone and/or email messages
• Reveal to the victim personal information that the offender has discovered about the victim.
• Disseminate personal information about the victim
• Victim follow-up
• Visit the victim at the victim’s workplace
• Wait outside the victim’s home.
• Send the victim photographs taken of the victim without consent
• Monitoring the use of the victim’s computer
• Using technology to collect images or information about the victim
The core strategy in every bullying case is persistence. Persistence tests only persistence; It doesn’t prove love.
Stalking is a crime of power, control, manipulation and intimidation. It is similar to prolonged date rape in that it takes away freedom, respects the wishes of the man, and ignores the wishes of the woman.
If you are the victim of unwanted persecution: do not negotiate. Once a woman has made the decision that she doesn’t want a relationship with a man, she must say so once; explicitly. Almost any contact after that will be seen as a negotiation. If a woman tells a man over and over again that she doesn’t want to talk to him; it IS talking to him, and every time she does, she betrays her determination in the matter.
The more contact is created between the two parties, even negative contact (police intervention, restraining order, visiting the offender by friends or a private investigator), the more the behavior will escalate; create more attachment.
The preferred approach is no contact at all. This forces the subject to look for other solutions to her problem. With each contact, you buy another six weeks. As long as people try to change the topic or satisfy the topic, just keep going. Implement strategies that decrease the likelihood of unwanted encounters.
Most people who refuse to let go are highly predictable. Do not assume that the subject will react as most people would. Violence requires interaction. If one of the parties does not participate, it cannot happen.
Strategies
Change your phone number, or better yet, add another line. Let the old number continue to collect messages for a record on voice mail or an answering machine. Ask another woman to leave the greeting on voice mail or on the machine (in case she calls just to hear her voice). A male voice will often cause the pursuer to investigate further. Make the new number known to those who need it and want to have it. Eventually, the tracker will be the only one leaving messages on the old number. The real message the persecutor receives is that the woman avoids the temptation to respond to her manipulations.
NO CONTACT is necessary because of the dynamic stalking axiom: Men who can’t let go choose women who can’t say no. The pursuer may be so desperate for some kind of contact that if he can’t be the boyfriend, he’ll settle for being a friend. If he can’t be a friend, he’ll settle for being an enemy if that’s the only position available. The way to stop contact is to stop contact.
Do not send the police or a private investigator to the pursuer, unless they can completely overwhelm you, ie; arrest with probable charge and prolonged imprisonment.
A very violent signal could be effective. This is not recommended but no less successful. If the stakes are high, most pursuers will modify their behavior. Most people do not enjoy extreme physical pain. I have plenty of anecdotal evidence that this strategy is effective, even though it is NOT legal… it is Raiding.
Restraining orders work primarily on the naive persecutor who doesn’t realize the inappropriateness of their behavior.
Read your state statutes to clarify how bullying is defined.
Note: If you suspect you are being stalked or harassed, talk to law enforcement, your county attorney, or assault prevention staff.
© 2009 Terry Hipp