How to write and deliver a eulogy, even if you’re afraid of public speaking
The eulogy is pronounced like this: /Yule-ah-gee/
A eulogy is simply a speech about a loved one who has died. This speech is usually given during a memorial or funeral ceremony. While it is often administered by a close friend or relative of the deceased, it can also be administered by a religious leader.
Don’t stress about giving a compliment. Think of it as a simple conversation with family and friends about the life of the person who has died. Remember, the funeral or memorial service is usually only attended by people who were important to the deceased in some way. They are eager to know about the deceased and will appreciate anything you say.
Also, almost EVERYONE is afraid of public speaking, so the “audience” does NOT expect you to give a flawless speech. In fact, if you screw up a little (or a lot), the audience tends to bond with you even more. They really do!
There is no “right way” to compose a eulogy. Since most people have no idea what a compliment is supposed to sound like, you can create it any way you like. Here are some things you might want to talk about:
a brief “life story” of the person who has died
achievements and important events in the life of the deceased
details about family, friends, work, and hobbies
favorite memories of the deceased
Most eulogies are between 5 and 15 minutes long, but there are no hard and fast rules here. You can also hand out “vignette” compliments. This is where several different people take turns talking about the deceased. For example, each of a deceased parent’s children could give a short speech about their respective favorite memory with the deceased.
Breaking a single eulogy into separate vignettes gives others a chance to participate in services and takes the pressure off a single speaker. Even if each person speaks for a moment, it will seem like a longer, more robust speech because each person needs time to get up to the podium and then return to their seat.
Basic steps:
1. Write a brief chronological summary of the key events that occurred in the person’s life from the time of birth to death. This will often remind you of several pivotal events the person has experienced (eg, graduating from college, getting married, serving in the military, starting a business, etc.) that may be worth mentioning.
2. Write down your favorite memories of the deceased. Ask others (friends, family, co-workers) if they have any favorite memories you can share. Often people have things they want to say at the funeral, but are afraid to speak or are not given the opportunity.
3. Make a list of some of the things that were important to the deceased person… things that they were passionate about. This can trigger your own stories that you can incorporate into his speech.
4. Combine all your thoughts, ideas, comments, and memories into one giant list. Go through this list and decide what things you want to include in your speech.
5. Arrange your chosen comments in some sort of order. For example, you might want to organize by:
Chronological date on which the events occurred
· Common themes (eg, family, career, work, hobbies).
· Speaker (if you plan to use bullet point praise); Develop a schedule that shows when each person will speak.
6. Write your speech. You may feel more comfortable writing the whole speech or just decide to use note cards with a few sentences that will jog your memory so you remember what you want to say. Once again, there is no right way. Some people will learn the speech by heart and never need to refer to their notes; others will watch your speech and read it word for word without even looking at the audience. Use whatever method is most natural to you.
Your speech can be serious, cheerful, or a combination of both. The most popular is a mixture of seriousness and humor. Funerals are a combination of sadness and celebration. People will grieve at funerals, but it’s okay to laugh, too. Really is!
Plus, since no one but you will see what you’ve typed, you don’t need to worry about grammar or spelling. All you need is to have something in writing that reminds you of what you want to say.
7. Practice saying your speech out loud in front of a mirror. This will help you develop a natural speaking rhythm and will highlight any verbal or physical habits that may be distracting to your audience.
8. Take a clean copy of your speech to the funeral home. You can write it down word by word or just make some necessary note cards to jog your memory. (Be sure to number your note cards so you can keep them in order.)
Additional tips:
- Focus on honoring the deceased rather than worrying about how your speech will sound to others.
- Take deep breaths before beginning your speech. This will help you regain composition and lower your heart rate. This will also help you speak in a slower and more controlled manner.
- Have a drink of water before you speak (or take something to drink with you at the podium) to prevent your mouth from drying out.
- Remember: it’s okay to show emotion. If you get emotional and start crying, that’s perfectly normal (even if you’re a guy!). No one will think less of you. Take the time to regain your composure, but if you can’t, just say “I’m sorry, but I can’t continue right now” and return to your seat. The funeral director or a member of the clergy will step in and continue the ceremony from where you left off.
One final thought: I am honored to be asked to deliver a eulogy. They wouldn’t have chosen you if you weren’t special to the deceased in some way. Others know this and will EXPECT you to be grieving too.