How to offer divorce advice to a close friend

What do you do when a close friend files for divorce or is seriously thinking about it? It can be challenging to be supportive but objective in your intentions. The task involves much more than offering a compassionate shoulder to cry on.

Here are some helpful tips:

1. Offer your support and be there for him or her. Back it up with action. Be prepared to receive calls at odd times when you need your moral or emotional support.

2. Avoid getting into spousal attacks. If he or she wants to express their frustration, let them. But as you offer your attention, avoid defaming the absent spouse. Offering support does not automatically mean that you have to criticize your spouse.

3. Be a source of positive and calm energy. This can be challenging as many (but not all) divorces tend to be acrimonious. Encourage calm and peaceful solutions. Avoid making suggestions that arouse insecurity and suspicion.

4. A stressed and distracted person is likely to have a lot of pending tasks. Offer to help complete them. These could include jobs like paying bills or picking up kids from school.

5. Offer assistance in calculating and estimating expected monthly expenses for alimony or court settlements. Organizing documents and invoices requires time and concentration that the friend may not have on hand at the time.

6. Encourage her to share the children with the father. Women are often tempted to ‘punish’ their spouses by threatening to cut off their access to their children. Gently explain that children need both parents in the post-divorce phase.

7. Introduce your friend to divorce support groups in your area. It is helpful and therapeutic to meet other people who have been through the same experience. Meditation classes and yoga groups also offer effective internal healing techniques.

8. Encourage him to socialize with close friends. Watching a movie or laughing with a supportive group of friends will help you get over stress faster.

9. If you know both spouses well, avoid getting in the middle of the fight. Listen but avoid engaging in personal discussions involving the other spouse.

It’s not easy being a good friend while offering objective guidance and support to a close friend in the midst of a divorce. Not all divorces are bitter. Regulate your reaction according to what you see. If your friend needs some personal space to herself, be sensitive enough to acknowledge that need.