Divorce Recovery Mindset Option No. 4: Is your divorce a past life event or a current way of life?
Signs that your ex is still in your life
When asked about their divorce, virtually all of them say, “I moved on,” and then proceed to talk about what a jerk their ex was. They may then make “harmless” comments about the “questionable character” of the person they are dating. Often the “if only”s give it away: If only my ex had done this, or if only he or she hadn’t done that, my life would be better.
And then there’s “The Wedding.” Not your ex’s wedding; not your wedding Your son’s wedding! And the nightmare-inspiring fear that you’ll have to miss it. Why? Because your ex will be there!
These are all indications that your divorce is still an integral part of your life today. They mean that you may not have “moved on” as much as you’d like to believe. In fact, you may be treating your divorce as part of your current lifestyle.
Remember: if you still carry your ex in your head, your ex is still a part of your life.
Is your pain past or present?
What did your ex do to you today? Probably nothing. So why does he or she appear so often in your thoughts when you’re just trying to get on with living your life?
Are you regularly reviewing memories of your ex and/or your divorce? Are you rekindling the emotions caused by your divorce that happened months or years ago? When you bring thoughts and feelings brought about by your divorce to the forefront of your mind, you are giving those remembered memories the status of “current importance.” This has the effect of making your divorce a part of your daily “way of life.”
If memories of your ex and the divorce keep coming back over and over again, you need to ask yourself, “What benefit am I getting from letting my divorce become a way of life?”
Divorce is a Lifestyle – The positive
The science of human motivation tells us that if we keep doing something over and over again that we presumably don’t want to do, then we are getting some kind of benefit from doing it, or we would just stop. What possible benefit could you receive from inviting your ex into your current way of life?
These are some of the possible benefits. Treating your divorce as a way of life can:
1. Provide a well-defined frame of reference for your life within which you can play your role as a victim of tragedy. It’s easy to do and being seen as the victim earns you the sympathy and support of others. It feels good to be told that you were “wronged” and that you are not responsible for the death of your marriage.
2. Eliminate the need to ask difficult questions like “Who am I now that my relationship is over?” Or, “How was I responsible for the death of my marriage?” Or, “What can I learn from my divorce?” However, “Will my new life after the divorce be even worse than my life before the divorce?”
3. Eradicate the need to seek a new relationship, along with the fear of having to start dating again, because you still have your ex to occupy your thoughts and fantasies.
Divorce is a Lifestyle – Tea Down
However, there is a downside to treating your divorce as a way of life:
1. You lose the opportunity to create a new life based on the wisdom you gained from your past relationship and going through the divorce.
2. You never get to create and know “the new you.”
3. Friends and family soon get tired of you living in the past and talking about it incessantly. The rest of the world is passing, but you cannot be a part of it. This makes you feel sad and depressed.
4. No meaningful future is possible, or even desired. Having been given permission to wallow in the memories of a time in the past, you have everything you need.
5. Friends will eventually move on without you, except those who are also living in the past.
Divorce is just a life event -Tthe upside down
On the other hand, treating your divorce as just a traumatic event that happened in your past can be very rewarding:
1. You have the opportunity to design and live the next chapter of your life as you wish.
2. You can live in the present and you don’t have to keep talking about your divorce with your friends and family.
3. Your relationships with friends and relatives are not poisoned by your constant anger, resentment, and victimization.
4. Your friends will appreciate you for not putting them in the uncomfortable position of having to treat you as the continuing victim of a terrible life.
Divorce is just a life event -Tthe inconvenient
Of course, there are also some disadvantages:
1. You have nowhere to run, nowhere to hide. It is entirely up to you, and only you, to decide what your life will become after the divorce.
2. You can’t use the “poor me” script of being a victim.
3. You have to take full responsibility for your future, including both your successes and your failures.
So what is the point? Why does that matter?
Simple logic tells us: if you live in the past, you cannot live in the present. You can’t plan for the future either!
You are at a crossroads, a “Y” in the road, so to speak. What fork will you take?
Picking up the fork labeled “Divorce is a way of life” condemns you to a life of editing and rewriting the past, hoping that one day, somehow, you can change what happened to you yesterday.
Picking up the fork labeled “Divorce is just a life event” allows you to put the past in the past so you can design what you want the next chapter in life to be and make the most of all the positive potential it offers. .
Dissolving resistance to change is the key. By dissolving your resistance to accepting your new life situation, including the reality that your divorce is a thing of the past, you will be free to be all you can be in the next chapter of your life. Only then can you take advantage of your new wisdom to move towards your future.