Divorce Recovery, Early Dating, and Transitional Relationships: Change Happens, or at Least It Should!
You just got divorced (or are getting divorced). You are ending a relationship that, in the end, had more negatives than positives. That’s a good thing. However, divorce also distorts our perception of the world and hurts us emotionally. In the vernacular, divorce leaves us screwed.
We divorce en masse with our heads and it threatens our future
What we believe and why we feel this way after a divorce is, at best, less than consistent with reality. So if we want to have any hope of developing a new and healthy long-term relationship, we need to make some changes.
If we don’t do this, we are not fully prepared to start a new committed relationship. In fact, the lack of adjustment of our beliefs, feelings, and behavior after divorce is a big part of why 66% of second marriages and 75% of third marriages fail. In other words, we have to change.
A transition relationship can help us make those changes.
Early dating, that is, dating before or shortly after the divorce is finalized, usually results in a “transitional relationship,” even though the two people usually don’t know that’s what it is. The purpose of a transition relationship is to help you make the conversion from being attached to being separated from her ex. It will allow him to re-experience validation and realize that he is still lovable. It will also help you change the faulty beliefs and feelings caused by the divorce that are now preventing you from forming new and successful relationships.
We need to make some changes
Normally, it is necessary for several shifts or changes to occur. Some changes involve how we view our own transition relationship. Other changes involve what we believe, how we feel, and how we act because of our divorce.
Changes in the agenda of the transition relationship itself. Initial euphoria stoked by the heaven-sent euphoria of validation it feels like this new relationship is a long-term permanent bond that leads to marriage between two voluntary and independent equals in which there is no need to change. Aren’t we told that love is “accepting yourself as you are”? We are convinced that this is it! We have found our soulmate!
This is too much, too soon. Right now, his transitional relationship can only help him let go of his attachments to his past life with his ex, not planning for decades to come. “Accept me as I am” is a romantic fantasy. His job is to institute the changes. in you that will make a successful long-term relationship possible. It’s too early to tell if it will last. You have plenty of time. Use it to settle the divorce and prepare for the future.
Changes in beliefs. Typical faulty beliefs that survive divorce include: “I need an apology from my ex.” “I need an explanation from my ex.” “My ex is the villain here.” “I will never find true love again.” “I’m unattractive and unpleasant.” “I’m worth nothing to the relationship of my dreams.” “I’m too old to have the relationship of my dreams.”
change of feelings. Some normal harmful feelings include guilt, anger, hate, embarrassment, embarrassment, invalidation, resentment, revenge, victimization, etc. The transition relationship offers a stage to exchange those painful feelings for more helpful ones, such as being grateful for what the marriage and breakup have taught you and excited and hopeful for what the next chapter may bring.
change in behavior. Some common behaviors that make early dating difficult include checking your ex’s Facebook page, asking your friends about your ex, frequently talking about your divorce and her ex with your current partner. Other problem behaviors include talking, texting, and emailing with her ex and treating her new partner the same way she treated her ex. Some discussion about your divorce is normal, but when it becomes a routine topic of conversation with your current partner, it’s an issue worth changing.
However, we don’t want make changes
We almost never “feel the need” to make a change. The relationship feels like something real. Neither of them thinks that this is a temporary “transition” relationship, preferring to believe that it is the beginning of the next committed long-term relationship. So if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.
And the point is…
It needs fixing, anyway.
Did you divorce. And divorce gives us all some dysfunctional beliefs, feelings, and behaviors that threaten our future happiness. Any hope of finding a healthy new relationship requires that you fix what the divorce broke. This means that you must change. Then, and only then, are you a safe match for someone else looking for a long-term, committed relationship. Then, and only then, can you be confident that your next long-term relationship will not fail.
How do you do this? Dissolve your natural resistance to change.