Choose to make something good come from your great loss

When we are no longer capable of changing a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Victor Frankl

Major losses, particularly the death of a loved one, not only bring deep emotional and often physical pain, but are also the basis for exceptional personal growth or regression. We can learn a lot from big changes in life. They can make us evaluate and transform our limiting beliefs. Most importantly, they can be a catalyst for opening up to new knowledge, experiences, and perceptions of the world.

The key concept here is to be open, to refuse to live in “what was” and to meet change with alterations in our behavior. Life is about changing personal behavior to face the new circumstances that we must periodically face. The change never ends. So how can we adjust to conditions and alleviate feelings we didn’t expect?

1. Commit to living your life in such a way that it honors your deceased loved one. This may mean doing the volunteer work your loved one used to do or choosing to start volunteering in a way that fits your talents and value system. It may mean reshaping some of your behaviors so that you present yourself in a more pleasant and helpful way. Whatever you choose, it is with the intention of honoring the loved one. Committed intention is powerful in relieving pain.

2. Vow to develop a positive character trait similar to the one you admired in your loved one. Maybe he or she was a good listener. As Paul Tillich said “The first duty of love is to be a good listener.” Can you increase that ability with everyone you associate with? Or maybe your loved one was very patient in dealing with difficult people and situations. Pick a trait and work to improve your life through your loved one’s encouragement.

3. Resolve to develop skills to build stronger relationships with others. This will not only help you increase hope, caring, and compassion, but it will also help the people you choose to connect with. Connection in relationships is based on trust, openness, and awareness of our basic needs for love and respect. We all need to work on this area of ​​our lives as the tendency for most is to have a small circle of friends. However, psychiatrists tell us that developing new friendships should be a lifelong project. Start by asking yourself how you currently relate to others. How do you approach the people you are about to meet? This will become part of the new identity you create as part of adaptive coping.

4. Take care of your spiritual life. Choosing to develop trust and hope in something bigger than yourself is an integral part of managing the various changes that life throws at us. Consider meditation, prayer, being alone in nature, dream analysis, and intuition study as gateways to elevating your spiritual self to handle life from a different perspective. Find someone in your social circle or an organization in your community that supports one or more of these goals and get involved. Taking spiritual action will bring great satisfaction to your life and help you adjust to the absence of your loved one.

5. Give high priority to positive emotions. The science of emotions has shown time and time again that engaging in behaviors that initiate positive emotions is good for every cell in your body, especially your heart and brain. Ask yourself what a sincere smile or thank you does, a true sense of appreciation, given or received, and daily gratitude for the way you feel. Become aware of how your body responds when you share a beautiful story, feel joy from a beautiful memory, or look forward to an upcoming enjoyable event. Sit down with a pen and paper and make a list of events and behaviors that you can include in your daily activities that result in a positive emotional disposition.

6. Work to decide what you have control over in your life and especially what you cannot control. It is not uncommon for us to blame ourselves for sad situations that develop when they were not really under our control. Or you did what you thought was the right thing to do at the time and now you wish you had done it differently. When you realize what you can’t control, you must be willing to take a breather and let go of the guilt.

We all need a support network where we can send questions to various members, consider their responses, and then decide whether or not the problem is within our control. If you don’t have a support network, start building one. It takes work and a lot of effort to build support, but it will go a long way to get useful feedback.

It’s easy not to recognize that we can learn a lot from our pain. Having suffered the death of my daughter, a younger and older sister, my brother, and both parents, I am well aware of the cheating. Allow yourself the freedom to release some of your pain. Keep your loved one alive in your heart by exchanging pain for something good that you can give to the world and to yourself.