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Do you really need a girlfriend to feel better about yourself?

“I want a girlfriend” is a phrase that I read and hear a lot. I also hear some men say “I need a girlfriend.” I’ve also had men ask me “how do I get a girlfriend?” My usual answer is “why do you want (or need) one so much?”

Somehow, somewhere Some men have been conditioned to think that their lives would be more meaningful if they had a girlfriend. “But I feel like a freak if I don’t have one,” says Jeremy, a 22-year-old college senior. “Most of my friends have one. I feel like a loser.”

I hear this from men of all ages and backgrounds. The problem I see here is twofold: first, that the men who say this kind of thing don’t have the different skill sets they need to secure a date at virtually any time they want. Second, there is an inherent problem in thinking that one needs to have a girlfriend in order to feel more complete, popular, or whatever other reason comes to mind. Happiness and satisfaction should come from within first and then having a partner, a girlfriend or a romantic interest should be the icing on the cake. So if you are one of these men who feels and thinks you have to have a girlfriend, it is a huge red flag that you are using him as a crutch. A crutch for what, you could ask. It is a crutch not to face the real and deeper problems that drive that false belief that you have to have a girlfriend.

Men who want a girlfriend come from a place of weakness, not power. For the sake of this article, power is defined as the ability to take consistent action toward a very specific purpose. For example, my friend David constantly tells me that he would like to have a girlfriend, but he plays 30-40 hours of World of Warcraft every weak instead of learning to improve his social skills. That does not come from a place of power. When a man desperately wants a partner, he makes him act and behave in a needy and desperate way. Women realize this even before you get close to them. They can see it in your posture, your eyes, the way you move your arms, and other aspects of your body language. Then when you speak, they can hear it in your voice and also where you place your hands. You shouldn’t “want” a girlfriend or “need” a girlfriend. You should choose to have one when you meet a woman who fits your criteria, who doesn’t play nonsense with you, and who compliments your life, not hinders it.

Men sometimes want a girlfriend for the wrong reasons. Men should “choose” to have a girlfriend, not “need” one because they are succumbing to social pressure or a feeling of insecurity or loneliness. There are times in my life when I didn’t have a girlfriend for several months or even more than a year. That didn’t mean she wasn’t dating someone. I went out on a lot of dates, but I never called any of them my girlfriend because I was at a point in my life where I didn’t want anything serious. Some women told me after a few months that they wanted to move in with me and when I said “no” they gave me an ultimatum.

Either take the relationship to the next level or she would end it, she would say (after a few months? Come on!). I’d always end it right there on the spot because I never give in to selfish ultimatums. The fact is that my self-esteem and confidence are so high that I don’t “need” a woman to create my happiness. I think of my life as a dessert and that any woman who wants to join me is simply the whipped cream and the strawberry on top. I realize it sounds a bit cheesy, but it’s a very accurate metaphor. I’m not saying that having a girlfriend is a bad thing. In fact, it’s good when it’s done for the right reasons.

So how does a man become more attractive? The list is almost endless, but here are some tips that men should seriously think about:

1. Physical Appearance and Hygiene: I used to worry about my height because I didn’t think I was tall enough to date tall, attractive women. That was a huge waste of time and energy. I finally realized that I needed to focus on what I could control, like my weight, my muscle tone, the way I ate, using only a cologne spray (instead of half the bottle), the whiteness of my teeth. , My hairstyle. etc.

2. Confidence – I mean the natural confidence that oozes from within, not the false confidence of “I’m such a bad boy” that immature men think is “cool.” If you don’t have it now, there is only one way to get it: act; not just any action, but an action that forces you to step out of your comfort zone to really grow. Think about it, if you have approach anxiety, you will never get over it if you don’t approach. Remember the Rule of 25, which states that you should eventually approach no fewer than 25 women per week until you can talk to any woman, anytime, anywhere. Some men achieve this in a week, others in 3 months because we are all different, we have different levels of shyness and we can have many other things in our lives.

3. Have a life: Studies have shown that desirable men have an active social life. Let’s face it, when a woman knows that other women want her, your social value skyrockets. One way to increase your own social worth is to have hobbies and interests that help you improve who you are. Playing video games versus going out and learning to dance salsa, swing, or hip-hop may be fun for you, but guess which one gives you more opportunities to meet women. If you combine this with a growing social network, you will naturally find yourself very busy with lots of social events and opportunities to meet new faces. I can go to any major city in the world and in 90 days I can build a social network of new faces and friends that an average man would take a lifetime to build. That’s only because I’ve done it over and over again. If you stayed focused, there is very little you can accomplish.

4. Have a plan for your life – Are you starting to see a trend here? Have you noticed that the focal point has been to focus on yourself first? Most people react throughout life instead of sitting down and writing an outline of what they really want out of life. Take Samuel, a recently divorced 33-year-old accountant. For many years, Samuel thought that having a girlfriend and eventually getting married was the true path to happiness, but he lacked the social and relationship skills to find the right partner and ended up marrying the wrong woman. He began to wonder if this was as good as it sounds (sounds like the movie, right?).

One day Samuel called me with his dilemma and I advised him to go away for a weekend and to take a notebook and a pen. I wanted him to spend the entire weekend writing what he really wanted out of life and the reasons behind it. When he called me a week later, he was a changed man. He began: “I thought I always needed a girlfriend to feel good about myself. Now I realized that it is just one facet of life. True satisfaction comes from within, from a sense of contribution and a sense of moving forward.”

Samuel was beginning to understand. And he finally met a woman who complimented her own life and has never been happier.

Do you still want a girlfriend? Or do you feel like you still need one? It is very important that you take a look within yourself to find the answer. Remember, you should never “need” a girlfriend. You should come to a point in your life where you “choose” to have a girlfriend on your terms. And that makes all the difference in the world. Ask Samuel.

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